The Legolas Hotline
by Aria Breuer
Summary: "Is this on? Are we on? Hullo? Oh, it does work." Legolas placed the small microphone on his archer's jacket. He was ready now to begin his speech. Turning to the teleprompter, Legolas told the audience, smiling and everything. "Hullo and welcome to my hotline. Better known as…" he pointed to the writing below the screen, "…the Legolas hotline."


**Disclaimers:** I do not own _The Lord of the Rings_. J.R.R. Tolkien does. I only own the original story, original characters, plot, etc. All other canon material belongs to their respected owners.

*.*.*

"Is this on? Are we on? Hullo? Oh, it does work." Legolas placed the small microphone on his archer's jacket. He was ready now to begin his speech. Turning to the teleprompter, Legolas told the audience, smiling and everything. "Hullo and welcome to my hotline. Better known as…" he pointed to the writing below the screen, "…the Legolas hotline. We will be taking calls now with our very best Fellowship of the Ring." He whispered into the camera. "Feel free to take anyone of them, other than me. They're available twenty-four seven."

"No Mrs. Bracegirdle," Frodo Baggins' voice rang out. "Bilbo told you to put the mutton pie on low. It's already been cooking for half an hour."

"And some undeserving phone calls from friends," Legolas told the camera.

"Rosie," Samwise Gamgee burst out, in all seriousness, "I'm taking an important job. Can you handle Elanor and Frodo-lad for a little while longer… yes, I'll make sure Mr. Frodo knows where you are at all times."

"I didn't say that, Sam," Frodo spoke up.

"I'll have to call you back," Sam said, gently setting the phone down.

"I'll have beef steak roast, some cheddar cheese on top of those mayonnaise, and then some nachos on the side." Gimli spoke to his friends. "What will you be having? I'm ordering drinks for all."

"YEAH!" the Fellowship shouted.

"Get back to work!" Legolas told the Fellowship. "Our mission here is to keep my fangirls away. Why are you ordering food, friend dwarf?"

"Because I'm hungry," Gimli said, plain and simple.

"And we have relatives calling us from all over the world…" Merry picking up the ringing phone. "Hullo? Oh yes, Mrs. Maggot, I'll help you out in a moment. I'm doing a teleprompting show for our dear friend Legolas. Yes, I'll tell him you called." He set the phone down with a smile on his face.

"Let's get back to work," Legolas said. "Keeping those fangirls off is most important."

"I'm hungry," Pippin said. "Couldn't we order a pizza?"

"Or a shrimp scampi," Merry said.

"Right." Pippin said. "That's just what I was thinking."

"Pippin!" Legolas burst. He calmed down a moment later. "Sorry. Let's focus on keeping the fangirls off of me."

"How would they do that, when they jump on your back…"

"Merry," Frodo said.

"Mr. Pippin," Sam said.

"What? What did I do?" Pippin asked, confused.

Legolas shook his head. "Let's focus."

"Yes Mrs. Bracegirdle," Gimli spoke on the phone. "You want to speak with Frodo."

"Give me that, please?" Frodo said, grabbing the phone. "Mrs. Bracegirdle, it was Bilbo's favorite dish. You know, right?" He moved the phone away from his ear for a moment. "Wow." He said, astonished. "She's really angry."

"Put her on my line," Sam said, pointing to the number pad. "Let me speak with her."

"Here you go," Gimli said, pressing the button.

"Yes Mrs. Bracegirdle," Sam said over the phone. "Speak with Rose. She'll set you right. Yes Mrs. Bracegirdle. Goodbye." He set the phone down. "Mrs. Bracegirdle's makin' two blueberry pies for each of us."

"Yes!" Merry and Pippin said, delighted.

"Can we get back to work here?" Legolas asked, annoyed.

"Legolas, if this is such a big issue…" Merry jumped at the sound of his phone. "Excuse me." He picked up the phone, answering it. "Oh Gollum. You saw us. Yes we're a riot and now… no, the Ring isn't here. Goodbye." The second he slammed the phone down, it rang once more. Stubbornly, he picked it up and answered, "Now what Gollum? There isn't any fish on the menu this weekend. Call me back later when you've found some decent smelt." He slammed the phone down, startling everyone. "Will someone give Gollum his fish, before he bugs us again?"

"I'll do it," Pippin said, leaving the room.

Legolas faced the camera, trying to keep his composure together. "Well, that's it, folks. Sorry we couldn't be of much help."

"Ahh! It's Legolas!" the fangirls squealed.

"Got to go! See you later!" Legolas said, as the screen went blank.

The End.

"Cheers!" Frodo and his friends said, before taking a swig of punch. "Very festive this time of year."

"Hmm," Pippin said. "I wonder what became of Legolas." Frodo was stunned to see Legolas dash past them.

"I will figure this out yet!" Legolas said, heading out of the building.

"Don't worry, Legolas. Your good friends will save you!" Gimli cried, chasing after his elvish princeling friend.

"I'll assist you," Aragorn said, chasing after the dwarf.

"And so it continues," Frodo said, drinking some more punch. It sure was good. But yes, he had no doubt Legolas would come up with his next scheme of things… when the situation aroused for that matter. Oh well. Back to the drawing board… or so he hoped.

*.*.*

Thanks for reading. :)


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